I haven’t written on this site in some time. I guess you can say I have a real issue with consistency and daily, committed work ethic. That’s been a struggle for me since I’d first began working from home, however, I am officially proud to say that I have learned my lesson and you guys won’t have to worry about anymore long hiatus’ from me… I’m going to stick it out this time!
I’m not sure if my desire to sit back and binge watch “Dear White People” all day is the reason why I haven’t taken full advantage of being an entrepreneur or if it’s simply because the internet kinda scares me a little, but I’m just gonna say it’s a little bit of both… No… Scratch that! I’ll be honest, it’s mainly because I’m secretly terrified of the internet and all of the social media that comes with it.
WHY WAS THE INTERNET BECOMING SO SCARY?
You might have asked yourself that question while attempting to read this quick and random blog post and today I’m gonna answer that question for you.
(DISCLAIMER: Some of this stuff is slightly embarrassing, but know that this is really what happened and it ended up being an amazingly groundbreaking moment for me.)
Sometime last week, while I was showering, I’d looked down at my feet and realized that I could barely see them because my tits were in the way. I was thinking to myself, “Wow, these mothaf*ckas sure have really grown, but why? I’ve been excercising, eating healthier and drinking lots of water… So what’s the reason for this sudden fullness and sag that my boobs seem to have… out of nowhere?”
After I’d gotten over the fact that my titties seemed bigger than my stomach I’d finished washing the rest of my body, including the feet that I couldn’t see, and dried off immediately after getting out of the hot and steamy shower.
Walking from my bathroom to the closet of my bedroom to figure out what I was planning to wear, I looked at myself in my large closet hall mirror and thought to myself, “damn, I look terrible!”
Now, mind you, I have always been a confident woman, even back when I’d weighed almost 200 pounds at the tender age of 25, standing at a height of 5’2”. But, for whatever reason, this time I couldn’t just ignore the fact that my body just didn’t look good to me anymore.
It looked no different than it did just a few months prior, however, I felt like it looked different. I’d noticed my stretch marks on my ass more, the fine hair on my stomach, the cellulite on my legs, the dark skin color under my armpits, the greys on my hairline and even a few hairs on my chin that seemed thicker than they were before.
I didn’t like myself last week and I didn’t know what had changed… Until I sat on my bed, with grown woman tears in my eyes and thought about the fact that all of the things that were there had been there before, but this time I was zooming in on them because I have allowed my self to fall prisoner to the foolery of the internet.
I was criticizing myself on things that other people didn’t even realize that I’d had. I was telling myself stupid sh*t like, “Well, Bernice Burgos is beautiful! I wish I looked flawless like that,” not realizing that a picture is nothing more than a picture and she could have things about her that she notices and hates that no one else would pay attention to if she were right in front of their face.
I’d become a woman who was taking care of my body so that I could look good for my 15K followers on Instagram and my 25K followers on Facebook, and I’d began to lose the desire to want to be Patrice… I was paying more attention to being Naturally Triece, even though I’d thought that the two were essentially the same person… Boy, was I wrong!
Realization that I would compare myself to others way too much was a tough pill to swallow, however, snapping out of it and telling myself that I would never be those people was an even reality to deal with.
I would never be beautiful like Bernice Burgos, soulful like Beyonce, a great dancer like Normani, a fabulous fashionista like Kelly Rowland, a makeup mogul and desirable entertainer like Rihanna, a boss ass business woman and mommy like Yandy Smith, an awesome actress like Jada Pinkett or any of the other women on social media that I’d admired daily. I would never have their bodies or their good looks. I would only have my own looks, my own body, my own business ventures, my own grey hairline and my own huge tits that barely allow me to see my feet in the shower.
I hated that this was true, but while sitting on my bed crying, I had to ask myself why I was so upset about something that was undeniably true. And then it hit me… I would never be those people because I have my own amazing talents, looks and curves that God gave me and that I can’t allow to go to waste just because Kelly Rowland popped up on my timeline slaying for all to see.
God made me into the woman that I am and proudly placed my in my mother’s stomach so that he could present his fine art to the world on December 29th, 1989. (Yes, I’m a Capricorn!)
He gave me two amazing parents, a really cool younger brother, a home of my own, a life of my own and I realized that God would never put me through the misery that I was putting myself through because he’d want me to be just like Bernice Burgos or Beyonce… If he’d wanted me to be those people then that’s what he would have done… I would have just been them and there would be nothing to change.
He gave me life so that I could live in the lap of luxury by simply being myself.
Once this all came to me, I dried my tears cause I ain’t no punk ass b!tch and I got down on my knees at the edge of the bed in my master bedroom. I prayed a prayer that I don’t think I’ve ever prayed before and it went somewhat like this:
Hey! (yes, I say ‘hey’ when talking to God) I know you just saw me crying and you and I both know what’s wrong, so I don’t have to give you the run-down of what just happened.
I just ask you to teach me how to love myself again. Teach me how to overlook everyone else and teach me how to only see myself and love everything that I see about me. Teach me to not pay attention to “likes” or comments. Teach me to admire myself again and never stop. I don’t want to come back to this place again, so take me far away from this mental state that I’m currently in.
In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.”
And immediately, like lightening, he struck me with an idea. Unfollow every single person that you follow on Instagram and permanently delete your personal Facebook page. So that’s exactly what I did. I knew some people would feel a way and unfollow me back, I knew some people just wouldn’t care and I knew that there may even be a few folks that would just plain out ask, “why did you unfollow me?” As if they’d done something wrong.
But I knew that regardless of any of that, I had to do what I had to do.
Over the past 9 days I have realized that I’m slowly getting back to loving myself again because I don’t have the distraction of the internet. I am learning to love my creases and curves once again and I am also learning to do the things that make me happy, verses trying to do the things that are only trendy.
I left for a while, but I had to get my happy back and I’m excited to say that I think I found her.
Thanks for reading to understand. And if you have been through something similar don’t be afraid to comment and tell me your story.
Be Blessed. Be Bold. Be Bossy!
Patrice “Naturally Triece” Johnson